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| Dancing Crone |
To say I have dragged myself through the past couple of years is something of any understatement. Like many others I have been blue.
First there was surgery on my face to remove a Lentigo Maligna melanoma. I got caught in fear and didn't do sufficient research to oppose the course of action the oncologist and plastic surgeon determined for me. I deeply resent not being given all the information that would have allowed me to see I had more than one other choice, one of which I would have made, and especially given that option was their "go to" when the surgery did not remove all the Lentigo Maligna cells and I was still refusing radiation. A choice that appears to have worked.
So many people tell me I should be grateful, so many people tell me the surgeon did a good job and so few of those people know the pain I live in daily since that possibly unnecessary surgery.
The pain is not just physical. There is guilt for failing to look after myself. There is sadness because I feel I no longer feel or look the same. There is self-doubt. There is the belief that I will never find a lover/partner because I am scarred. There is shame because I have put on weight.
Health is holistic isn't it? Everything is inter-related. Fear has been a controlling and limiting force in my life since January 2020. I kept telling myself Covid wasn't impacting me. I shed those goggles and saw clearly how depressed I have been.
I want to dance through 2022, I want to put on music and dance as I paint or draw. I want to dance in the pool, in the park, during the day and after dark. I want to start spending time with others again. I want to facilitate more conversations and workshops with women. I want to take back control of the narrative of my life. Yes, I want to dance in my magnificence, every flawed and beautiful aspect of it.
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| In the eye of the storm I am magnificent |
